Torn

I absolutely hate being alone for too long, but love it at the same time. So, I figured that I could go back and grab some help… again. However, its not what I was expecting or remembered… Or it is and I just forgot how bad it is.. I dunno but I fucked up. I just need a friend sometime I thought. But I forgot that’s an extra mouth to feed, an extra body to wash, an extra ass to use my toilet paper. And it is very different from when it was my fiance/hubby and I, no this one is a high maintenance suburban pretty boy. And I don’t have the patience or anything to deal with it. Sux… I really wanted to have a buddy. Fuck it.

The plan was to use his money to make more money to fix up my car and get to Vegas… But it’s only been a few days and our funds are already practically depleted and now I’m gonna have to hope for a miracle soon. Oh and the nigga let me forget my phone at my fucking sister’s house last night… which is an hour away. I had an extra amount of money on a separate card but of course… that’s lost too. I feel so torn right now.

I really wanna hang and be all “buddy buddy” but WTF?! I have never missed my fiance more in my life. I understand what it means to be in perfect synchronicity when you’re truly in love. Like for starters, my dude probably would’ve told my ass to grab some blankets from my house and sleep in my van since it’s a van and I’m not really using the money for a room last night. Secondly, he would have the card to make sure I don’t lose it or at least keep his eyes the fuck open. Lastly MY GAWD DAMN PHOOOONNNNNEEE!!!!!!!!!

I just wanna cry right now. I wanna go to the prison, hug my hubby and kiss him all over. I wanna suck his dick till all his babies wave hello to my uvula. I miss everything that he does for me. I miss his love, his touch, his manliness… UGH! I can’t believe we are separated like this. I’m so used to looking to my left and seeing my manly ass hubby sitting up and trying to make something happen for us. Not looking over to see some nigga laying the fuck down next to me like it’s fucking cool. I am literally getting mad every time I see this lame ass shit!

I normally get mad at my hubby for constantly coming up with new ideas on how we could get this money, but right about now I’d kill for one. My help won’t even try to come up with an idea. Won’t even try out my idea. Just has an excuse for everything. So in the end, what have we learned? Well, I’ve learned that just because you get a car, things don’t get any easier. Cheating in silence still hurts the inside. No nigga will ever ever EVER come close to measuring up to my man. And… some folks.. will never be able to come back into my life. Most folks just will never really be able to fit back into my life. Its too much of a hassle because I will never be the same person I was 3 yrs ago. There is no getting that Cat back.

Such sadness… bye friends… bye socialism with familiar faces… hello loneliness…

Okay Daddi, I think I’m ready to listen to yo ass now.