I absolutely hate being alone for too long, but love it at the same time. So, I figured that I could go back and grab some help… again. However, its not what I was expecting or remembered… Or it is and I just forgot how bad it is.. I dunno but I fucked up. I just need a friend sometime I thought. But I forgot that’s an extra mouth to feed, an extra body to wash, an extra ass to use my toilet paper. And it is very different from when it was my fiance/hubby and I, no this one is a high maintenance suburban pretty boy. And I don’t have the patience or anything to deal with it. Sux… I really wanted to have a buddy. Fuck it.

The plan was to use his money to make more money to fix up my car and get to Vegas… But it’s only been a few days and our funds are already practically depleted and now I’m gonna have to hope for a miracle soon. Oh and the nigga let me forget my phone at my fucking sister’s house last night… which is an hour away. I had an extra amount of money on a separate card but of course… that’s lost too. I feel so torn right now.

I really wanna hang and be all “buddy buddy” but WTF?! I have never missed my fiance more in my life. I understand what it means to be in perfect synchronicity when you’re truly in love. Like for starters, my dude probably would’ve told my ass to grab some blankets from my house and sleep in my van since it’s a van and I’m not really using the money for a room last night. Secondly, he would have the card to make sure I don’t lose it or at least keep his eyes the fuck open. Lastly MY GAWD DAMN PHOOOONNNNNEEE!!!!!!!!!

I just wanna cry right now. I wanna go to the prison, hug my hubby and kiss him all over. I wanna suck his dick till all his babies wave hello to my uvula. I miss everything that he does for me. I miss his love, his touch, his manliness… UGH! I can’t believe we are separated like this. I’m so used to looking to my left and seeing my manly ass hubby sitting up and trying to make something happen for us. Not looking over to see some nigga laying the fuck down next to me like it’s fucking cool. I am literally getting mad every time I see this lame ass shit!

I normally get mad at my hubby for constantly coming up with new ideas on how we could get this money, but right about now I’d kill for one. My help won’t even try to come up with an idea. Won’t even try out my idea. Just has an excuse for everything. So in the end, what have we learned? Well, I’ve learned that just because you get a car, things don’t get any easier. Cheating in silence still hurts the inside. No nigga will ever ever EVER come close to measuring up to my man. And… some folks.. will never be able to come back into my life. Most folks just will never really be able to fit back into my life. Its too much of a hassle because I will never be the same person I was 3 yrs ago. There is no getting that Cat back.

Such sadness… bye friends… bye socialism with familiar faces… hello loneliness…

Okay Daddi, I think I’m ready to listen to yo ass now.

Technical Difficulties

I’ve been finding it a little hard to get my bearings. Turns out that I have exactly half & half on my review board. With the negative ones listed first. So now I HAVE to remind people to leave good review for me. I totally forgot about that shit. I haven’t been getting many calls lately. Normally my phone stays ringing but lately it’s just been a spur of the moment type of thing. To top it off I’m at a nice hotel where people break the rules and smoke bud in their rooms. Now I’m all for smoking bud and love Mary Jane as much as the next stoner but come on! This is a 3 star hotel so have some respect. It’d be almost $20 cheaper to stay here another night but I’d rather pay that extra little bit for something better. My only fear is that it’ll be too far down south. But at the same time, I’m thinking that because it is by a mall that it should be good. Plus tomorrow is Friday. I’m thinking that I might not even go to sleep. It’s already almost 4am so I’m going to use this time wisely.

It’s becoming more & more crucial to leave state. The inconsistency of calls really erks me. It’s consistent during it’s peak hours but then I only get like 1 in during those times. I hate that, people don’t want to book more than 2hrs ahead of time as if they’re entitled to be the only person I see. It’s frustrating.

The other day a regular came to see me. I guess a few weeks ago, I had texted him as I was about to be kicked out and on the streets. During this desperately low moment, I offered to go all the way with him for like $150 (just enough to keep me in doors) and of course, he couldn’t help me. So when he came to see me this time, he assumed that the deal was still on the table. I didn’t even remember sending him the text so I was completely thrown off. Gave him a special that would just get him outta my face. I was disgusted with myself more than I was disgusted with him. I worked so hard to be a therapeutic source more than a hooker. I don’t even enjoy sex with men. He probably won’t show again but I guess we shall see in the future.

I’ve had a few good clients since I’ve been back though. A few truck drivers who truly enjoyed themselves. Even when they realized that they couldn’t actually be inside of me, they still were left 100% satisfied. That made me a little happy. It’s just been a roller coaster week for me. I’m hoping that this weekend will pick up and evolve into the best ever. Keeping a good flow of income and sleep. I really gotta work on sleeping at night again. Or at least finding some kind of work at night if I’m going to be up. This ghetto place has cops just circling the building at night. It scares me to even smoke a cigarette out there. I went to smoke some bud last night and even went as far away from the building as possible. Unfortunately it’s illegal to smoke MMJ outside so a cop was kind enough to drive by. I was lucky that I had put out my blunt no more than 2mins before they drove by and had already lit a cigarette. I have to really start working on quitting that stuff. I want to quit cigarettes so that I can work on me more. I’m half tempted to take a bath after writing this and hitting the fitness room. Get a little work out in. I just need stuff to turn around for me. That way I can get into my real hustle mode & get outta this city quicker.

Well just thought I’d share my frustrations with ya. Life is never as easy as ya want it when you’re stuck living as the fantasy I swear lol


There once was a girl who was lost. Took too long of a pause.
Smoked too much green. Can’t fit in a team.
Facing this mirror hurts. Dug way too much dirt.
Realized, my true demise.
War against myself. Scared to trust anyone else.
Overload so I definitely gotta go.

“Don’t ask”

Choices & Birthday… all of it

So today I got a real good lesson on choices. Last night, I turned 26yrs old. A stressful day turned into chill night I found myself newly single and untouched. I know that I have a problem. I was proud yet second guessing and became yet the fucking dumb fantasy again. Probably gotta go to therapy or something lol (maybe seriously.. gotta look into it lol) but all time low like a high school low. I wanted the moment to be something nice and I blew it.

I don’t even know what I was thinking smh. Probably could’ve found a way to stay here with my family and made new friends and I just blew it. Well now its time to put plan 26 into action. I can’t function gracefully at home and be the role model that I should. What’s even worse is that I have to stay silent while my mother screams at my child. Its frustrating and makes me want to burn down houses.

I have high hopes that my father will find a way out soon. I hate losing my safety blanket of course but everyone needs some kinda wake up call. I’ve been having them repeatedly back to back. I guess its my time to get on and get going. I tried to stay but it definitely just isn’t possible right now.

I have more learning to do. More growing. I have to remember to stay strong so I can hold my head up high like a true woman. A crazy ass feminist in the third wave. And I just am a bad influence to all. Sorry life. Sorry people. Sorry home. Gotta get the fuck outta here and into my own. What was I thinking >_<

One Life to LIve

I just read this piece and I must say that I was truly moved. I had posted earlier about chasing my dreams and this post was practically a sign telling me to, “Go forth and achieve my dreams”. I have only started blogging last week and am already finding it to be an empowering resource in my life. These words following along to the pieces of my emotions, thoughts, and goals. Can’t wait to read more. Enjoy loves!

Way Too Many People In My Bubble!

I used to be a beacon of sociability. I technically still am because I can talk to anyone and make friends. However now, my nerves get the best of me. I’m used to being inside, being free in my own domain. I’m used to being at peace in my solitude. I meet people under my own recognise and have the opportunity to pick and chose who enters my bubble. That’s how I’ve lived for 3yrs and how my aura stays clear in a peaceful zen.
Well today I made the decision to stay up all night. I was inspired by you guys following along and actually reading this stuff. So I looked into starting a NPO here in my home state. I was thinking about how I could break free from being the fantasy and be complete by breaking into living my own fantasy life! I have a vision now of how I would like to provide for myself & hopefully the world. But that’s for another post.
Today I had issues. Thanks to staying awake all night, my daughter woke up at 7am and decided to watch TV with me. Lorax, Lego Movie, and more. I dozed off a few times but was given a rude awakening. My Mother decided that we’d go to Golden Corral. Wish that I was awake during this decision making process. I would have let her know that I wanted to sleep. I believe that I somehow must’ve said yes in my slumber. So the plan was set and eventually it became time to “wake Mama up”. I woke up to my daughter literally beating on a drum! A little African drum that I’m sure my Father probably got from church who got it straight from Africa… I was at a loss. So when my Mother came down to wake me up too I was on fire. So we argued and she left without me after doing all of that to wake me up. Then we both thought about it and she came back to take me along. Don’t ask. My Mother and I are psycho bitches sometimes and we are aware and working on it. Don’t judge my fucking family!
Anyway… I brought some bud in a black n mild so that I’d actually eat some food. Its a buffet so ya really gotta enjoy the food lol. After smoking I went into the heavily populated dining room. My anxiety went to flourishing like crazy. Yes you smart readers I know I have to quit smoking weed! Damnit. It was nuts in there! Little wobbly chunky children bumping into me for cotton candy goodness. Old men giving me the eye that tells you that you better not reach for “nal’ nutta” piece of fried fish. I had forgotten what it was even like at an American buffet. I can’t handle all the surroundings while stoned. Especially with family. Then my Mother added insult to injury by jacking a piece of fish. I think it’d be in my best interest to quit smoking… period. I have dreams to chase.

Home… WTF Is Wrong W/Me???

I’m home for the birthdays. September is the craziest. Both my parents as well as my niece & even myself… WAY too much. I’ve been gone for the past two or three years. This is my first full year being home in a while. So I figured that I’d make the most of it.

My first day back I took my Mother out for her birthday. We haven’t been to our favorite restaurant in a long time so I was determined to take her. My parents waited till they couldn’t take each other anymore to get a divorce. Unfortunately, that sentence in itself is an “American” concept. Where as most men see me and think about that exotic biracial for their perverted fantasy… I look at Asian women period and wonder if they’re going through some of the things that my family is. Its practically Asian tradition to save face, I just want to help my mother have a smiley face during this process.

My Father on the other hand is/was my hero. The man that taught me to use my brain, my talents, and my chameleon like abilities. Thanks to my Father, I can talk to literally anyone even if we don’t speak the same language. At the same time, he kept me open minded and way too smart for my own good. No matter how fucked up I think he can be sometimes, or how much of a loser I may be in his eyes… we have a bond that can’t be broken. I was his baby until I had my own. Now the spoiling has gone to her. But still, no one can really understand him in the family like me. He’s the only male surrounded by a bunch of crazy ass females. And we all need some money lol. Sometimes I feel bad for the man. But hey… he was grown when he made my big sis, grown when he met my mom, grown when all of this conspired. Nigga better get his shit together.

This month is confusing. I like how he managed to disappear from this month. And I managed to show up. This house is depressing for me. I get lonely and can’t even allow the world wide web to tangle me in. The kicker is the highlight of my family’s house. My beautifully smart daughter. My Father has is set in his heart & mind that he will never ever make the same mistakes that he made with me, with her. What he doesn’t realize is that he is making them all with a serious vengeance. Or he’s on to something and breeding the perfect robotic army for the government. I dunno. But I know I can’t say shit since it was my decision to live crazy while my family do all they can for her. And what they do is more than enough. She has a pretty perfect suburban life. What scares me is that she is bored out of her mind and constantly desperate for friendship. Reminds me of someone I know.

She asked me to not leave for long periods of time. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I just can’t settle down in this house. I can’t even explain it to myself, let alone my daughter. Plus its been so long that when I’m home, I just want to kidnap her. But I know that I live too crazy for her. If I could just work enough to get a car I’d be fine. All I need is a car. But that seems impossible. I can’t seem to get my mojo flow when I’m gone hustling. I get lonely and scared and lose more money than I make. Its depressingly frustrating.

I know that soon I won’t even have this home to return to. My Father is adopting my daughter and moving into a smaller place. And my Mother is moving back to Thailand. I’m not even sure if this is the last birthday month as a family or if I should plan something fun for next year. I’m confused and really appalled by a lot of my family’s beliefs, attitudes, and lifestyles right back. The only difference is that I’m not good at holding it all in and hiding my thoughts like them. So I’m usually the bad guy. Hell if they even knew I was blogging this right now they’d go ape shit. Guess I’m done.


para·noia (noun)

It gets pretty lonely sometimes here. No matter how many people I meet I can’t help but feel a void inside. I miss a lot of people, I just can’t figure out how to function around them. Its so hard to live in the same circumstances that I have before. Being at my home begins to bring me back to a dark place. I’m probably just whining but hey I just got issues. Its my problem so I’ll whine if I want to lol. Anyway, I hadn’t smoked bud in a while. Lucky for me I’m in a place where it is legal 🙂 Today and tonight I decided to keep myself medicated. I have to quit smoking because I always get paranoid afterwards. This shit is killing me. I don’t really have a friend to hang out with and talk to. Just coming and going. Back to their lives they go. It’s an interesting concept. I’m prepared to meet random people however being surrounded in a hotel itself makes me scared. Its ridiculous. Keeps me up late at night surfing the web. Insomnia sucks. So I gotta utilize this thing. Writing the world about my stupid thoughts and creating someone to talk to. Tomorrow is my Mother’s birthday and I just wanna make it home. That’s all I really ask for. I would like to be able to take her out but I think I’ll be catching a bus home. Fuck it. I just wish that I didn’t hear a bunch of voices around me so I can go to sleep. Gosh darn that good bud. Sadness that it has mad “reggie” obsolete. Well all is fair in love and bud I suppose. I’m not going to really have to work hard to quit. I’m just going to keep the rest for my birthday, give some to my dad, and smoke it all on my birthday to be done. I’m leaving shortly after to get back to $. My goal is to get back to Vegas with a good $2000. Maybe even getting a car first. But I dunno because then I’d have to stay longer lol. Plus I’m already used to the buses and streets. I’m just not sure how my paranoia is going to get on the bus. I’m an introvert so I really enjoy my privacy and solitude. I love a good party but when I go to lay my head down I want to feel safe. I get nervous of being followed and shit. I get harassed on the phone sometimes so the entire situation makes me a big scaredy cat. Well I’m gonna go to bed and go home to recuperate with the love of my family. Celebrate birthdays! I’m excited! Goodnight luvs.


With the whole Ray Rice scandal going on, I can’t keep silent anymore. First off, as I said in the about section I have a wide range of circles; so I’ve been hearing a few different outlooks. But let’s start on the issue itself. I try hard not to get sucked into media hogwash unless I can really trust the source. However this one just blew up major. So I looked up the TMZ video. When I watched it, I figured that it could be anything. I only saw the video feed from outside of the elevator. That crap of him dragging her and whatnots.

That confused me because of the magnitude of anger I’d been seeing on the news & social media. Then I watched CNN and saw that there was more. Now if you haven’t seen this video yet and are weak of heart, this is not what you wanna see. Seriously, as bad as this sounds, I’ve been in a few abusive relationships and normally am pretty good about not having flashbacks. But this one triggered my anger, pain, hurt, and more.

Now when I first watched this I was heated. I could feel the anger boil up in me from the depths of my toes to the tips of my hair follicles. Seeing how she was actually knocked out and he still didn’t come out of it… smh. Like I said, I have been hurt more than once. I stayed way too long with one. Even became accustomed to abuse it seemed. So when I woke up to see that she had “spoke out” about the situation & what she said, gave me mixed emotions. She literally could have died by his hand and yet she still defended him. One thought is that you could see the build up as they were walking into the elevator. Then you can see her arguing and swinging first, but this big ass EX-NFL player didn’t have to hit her like that. I have many mixed emotions about this shit.
This is her way of speaking out…

Ya see at first she looks like the typical abused housewife. But then I think about how this incident happened a while back. Before they were even married. Maybe he already got some help or something. Maybe that is the reason why she stayed. There has got to be some reason for staying and marrying him right? Can’t be about money if you’re speaking out for him even when you know that the money is gone. Plus what she’s saying is some real shit. At want point does privacy come to play. If they didn’t arrest him then when the issue was at hand and he was dragging her ass around looking suspicious, why fuck with them now? No one gave a fuck then. The NFL didn’t even care when it wasn’t confirmed. They just brushed it off with a two day suspension. It’s just a confusion of bullshit. Bringing back a fucked up situation just to evolve it into something worse. How will they support their family and themselves now? How will they be able to look each other’s families in the eyes?

I myself chose to stay. Fuck what people will say & how they think. I believe that maybe Mr. Rice has/had potential to change because I am marrying someone who hurt me physically in the past. I, as I’m sure she did as well, knew what I was getting myself into before I got into it. Like most inner city black men, they have abandonment issues with the addition of growing up with violence all around them. You wanna do something for the couple, call them up and let them know what was seen. Then help them get into some classes. Co-dependency classes and some anger management. My fiance turned himself in so that he could take those classes. He sits in a cell thinking of the many ways that he has hurt me. He goes to his classes with an inner sense of excitement because it is important to him to never do it again. Contrary to what everyone believes, some men are just crazy. Some abusive men actually do want to change and make the effort to do so. That video may have been the last time he ever hit her and the media may have just brought back many hurtful memories. And to top it off. Now the media has even managed to strip them of everything. Which most couples fight about money and shit. So if he did work hard to never do it again. Thank you media for taking away what probably helps him keep his mind off of his stress & anger. Thanks for giving them a lot to argue about.

Love is love, and if she wanted to report it, she would have. And if she wants to be dumb enough to let him beat on her till he kills her, its her business. Putting them on blast obviously didn’t work. Besides to get ratings up I have no idea why TMZ would even put that on blast. There were so many tactful things that they could have done with the footage. Helpful things. Could have been a part of a solution instead of reignite the painful fire. Maybe I’m dumb too. I dunno. But I love my man as I know she loves him. No one is perfect but they had the means to try to fix it. Now they won’t. Good one TMZ. Way to ruin people’s lives.