Technical Difficulties

I’ve been finding it a little hard to get my bearings. Turns out that I have exactly half & half on my review board. With the negative ones listed first. So now I HAVE to remind people to leave good review for me. I totally forgot about that shit. I haven’t been getting many calls lately. Normally my phone stays ringing but lately it’s just been a spur of the moment type of thing. To top it off I’m at a nice hotel where people break the rules and smoke bud in their rooms. Now I’m all for smoking bud and love Mary Jane as much as the next stoner but come on! This is a 3 star hotel so have some respect. It’d be almost $20 cheaper to stay here another night but I’d rather pay that extra little bit for something better. My only fear is that it’ll be too far down south. But at the same time, I’m thinking that because it is by a mall that it should be good. Plus tomorrow is Friday. I’m thinking that I might not even go to sleep. It’s already almost 4am so I’m going to use this time wisely.

It’s becoming more & more crucial to leave state. The inconsistency of calls really erks me. It’s consistent during it’s peak hours but then I only get like 1 in during those times. I hate that, people don’t want to book more than 2hrs ahead of time as if they’re entitled to be the only person I see. It’s frustrating.

The other day a regular came to see me. I guess a few weeks ago, I had texted him as I was about to be kicked out and on the streets. During this desperately low moment, I offered to go all the way with him for like $150 (just enough to keep me in doors) and of course, he couldn’t help me. So when he came to see me this time, he assumed that the deal was still on the table. I didn’t even remember sending him the text so I was completely thrown off. Gave him a special that would just get him outta my face. I was disgusted with myself more than I was disgusted with him. I worked so hard to be a therapeutic source more than a hooker. I don’t even enjoy sex with men. He probably won’t show again but I guess we shall see in the future.

I’ve had a few good clients since I’ve been back though. A few truck drivers who truly enjoyed themselves. Even when they realized that they couldn’t actually be inside of me, they still were left 100% satisfied. That made me a little happy. It’s just been a roller coaster week for me. I’m hoping that this weekend will pick up and evolve into the best ever. Keeping a good flow of income and sleep. I really gotta work on sleeping at night again. Or at least finding some kind of work at night if I’m going to be up. This ghetto place has cops just circling the building at night. It scares me to even smoke a cigarette out there. I went to smoke some bud last night and even went as far away from the building as possible. Unfortunately it’s illegal to smoke MMJ outside so a cop was kind enough to drive by. I was lucky that I had put out my blunt no more than 2mins before they drove by and had already lit a cigarette. I have to really start working on quitting that stuff. I want to quit cigarettes so that I can work on me more. I’m half tempted to take a bath after writing this and hitting the fitness room. Get a little work out in. I just need stuff to turn around for me. That way I can get into my real hustle mode & get outta this city quicker.

Well just thought I’d share my frustrations with ya. Life is never as easy as ya want it when you’re stuck living as the fantasy I swear lol

Paranoid

para·noia (noun)

medical : a serious mental illness that causes you to falsely believe that other people are trying to harm you

: an unreasonable feeling that people are trying to harm you, do not like you, etc.

It gets pretty lonely sometimes here. No matter how many people I meet I can’t help but feel a void inside. I miss a lot of people, I just can’t figure out how to function around them. Its so hard to live in the same circumstances that I have before. Being at my home begins to bring me back to a dark place. I’m probably just whining but hey I just got issues. Its my problem so I’ll whine if I want to lol. Anyway, I hadn’t smoked bud in a while. Lucky for me I’m in a place where it is legal 🙂 Today and tonight I decided to keep myself medicated. I have to quit smoking because I always get paranoid afterwards. This shit is killing me. I don’t really have a friend to hang out with and talk to. Just coming and going. Back to their lives they go. It’s an interesting concept. I’m prepared to meet random people however being surrounded in a hotel itself makes me scared. Its ridiculous. Keeps me up late at night surfing the web. Insomnia sucks. So I gotta utilize this thing. Writing the world about my stupid thoughts and creating someone to talk to. Tomorrow is my Mother’s birthday and I just wanna make it home. That’s all I really ask for. I would like to be able to take her out but I think I’ll be catching a bus home. Fuck it. I just wish that I didn’t hear a bunch of voices around me so I can go to sleep. Gosh darn that good bud. Sadness that it has mad “reggie” obsolete. Well all is fair in love and bud I suppose. I’m not going to really have to work hard to quit. I’m just going to keep the rest for my birthday, give some to my dad, and smoke it all on my birthday to be done. I’m leaving shortly after to get back to $. My goal is to get back to Vegas with a good $2000. Maybe even getting a car first. But I dunno because then I’d have to stay longer lol. Plus I’m already used to the buses and streets. I’m just not sure how my paranoia is going to get on the bus. I’m an introvert so I really enjoy my privacy and solitude. I love a good party but when I go to lay my head down I want to feel safe. I get nervous of being followed and shit. I get harassed on the phone sometimes so the entire situation makes me a big scaredy cat. Well I’m gonna go to bed and go home to recuperate with the love of my family. Celebrate birthdays! I’m excited! Goodnight luvs.

I’m Supposed To Be Sleeping Right Now… SMH

I really do need to go to sleep. But I watched that damn “Mom’s Night Out” movie and she got me wanting to blog. For a lot of people, they see my income and the wealthy gents that shell out money on me for nothing, and think I should be loving it. But lets face it, I’m human & I’m woman. I simply can’t be satisfied. At least I’m aware of this, so I’m utilizing it correctly, hopefully. I don’t have the answers to life. I’m just trying to live it. I told myself that I was going to just build the base for this blog and then start in the morning. I really do have to sleep but I can’t help it when an idea comes to me. I just have to jump and do it. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad lol.

I’m excited because I have no one to really talk to. I have completely dived into the industry with the goal to go hard till I make at least $1500 for a car or $2000 for a car & moving to a new city. I’m just not fulfilled staying put. This blame goes to my parents. They both left their whole country by the time they were even 20 years old. I’m an army brat. One that didn’t get to experience the moving around like the stereotype portrays. A lot of us happen to stay put and grow up in suburbia. Of course we’re a rainbow of races, gender identities, and more… so a lot of us grow up with a nice silver spoonful of identity problems. Me being one of them. If you’re a bookworm then you can notice the skills. At one point in my teenage years, becoming a writer was a dream. That, like many, died quickly. We’ll just call this blog a version of bringing that back… sort of.

My friendship circles consisted of too wide of a range. The characters in my twisted life are almost too much for me to handle. So I often isolate myself and get down to hustling. Turns out that it’s hella lonely. Even for an adult entertainer. As much as I enjoy the socialism with my clients, it doesn’t compare to real connection. And surprise surprise… I do have a man that I am devoted to. No. He’s not my pimp you judgmental assholes that are thinking that. He is my fiance… he’s just in prison right now so shit is hard… It’s lonely without him. Makes it hard for me to sleep. Makes it hard for me to make friends. Loving someone who opened your eyes to the truth & sinister realities of this world… and then losing him… makes living life in this twisted world a little hard & confusing. I used to be such a social butterfly. Now I talk to myself and the internet. Heeeyyyy! lol Okay folks I’ve rambled about nothing long enough. Gotta go to sleep so I can wake up and freak out about clients and big bucks. I’ll tell you why tomorrow. Goodnight.